


stay with me (im nothing without you)

by swimnayeon



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst!, Mental Illness, Other, Self Harm, Suicide, haseul is just mum material, to the -3 yeojin stans i'm sorry, yeojin and haseul ain't really related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-08 01:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16420127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimnayeon/pseuds/swimnayeon
Summary: yeojin?dead.haseul?traumatised.kahei?this close to breaking.





	1. Chapter 1

“haseul keeps telling me to stay,”

yeojin wasn't really talking to anyone anymore, more so to the decorations of frogs on the ceiling.

or pretty much anything that meant she didn't have to look them in the eye.

  
“stay patient yeojin, dinner will be ready soon, stay calm yeojin, it's just a scratch, stay there yeojin, i’ll only be gone for a few minutes, stay with me yeojin, i’m nothing without you. it's pretty repetitive, but ive learned to fall in love with the sound of it”

  
she lowered her gaze to meet the ocean swirled carpet.

  
“what other choice do i have, after all?”

a nod came from the people in front of her, and the doctor wrote on his clipboard;

 

 

_'emotionally dependant'_

 

 

"anything more?"

 

yeojin stuck her hands in her pockets, staring down at her lap.

 

"well..."  
  


her ears began ringing and she became less and less able to hear the muffled whispers

 

"haseul said that if i ever left her she'd break down"

 

slowly, her vision began to cloud.

 

and the doctor pulled his pen from behind his ear once more, head nodding robotically.

 

_'dangerously so'_

 

 

 

then yeojin passed out.

 

 


	2. i'm hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haseul sees her

“i’m hurting, seulie”

yeojin coughs, her breath marking pools of mist against the swallowing black of the sky, her tears falling over chapped lips and landing on trembling hands.  
but haseul doesn’t know what to say, how to respond.  
because yeojin is her _baby_.  
yeojin is her little girl, her princess, the one thing that keeps haseul from risking it all but also the one haseul _would_ risk anything for.  
it was a dangerous combination, yet haseul would've done anything for the younger girl.  
more of a lack of common sense and a die hard dependence on yeojin than a thirst for danger.  
and now haseul can’t bear to see yeojin like this.  
so vulnerable out in the streets, sitting in a puddle with eyes full of fear and a head full of regrets.

“i’m sorry, jinnie”

a sob racks haseuls chest.

“seulie’s so sorry, baby, so sorry i can't stop you from hurting”

neither of them speak after that.  
there isn't any need.  
haseul just knows to keep holding yeojin and yeojin knows to just snuggle closer.  
it puts painfully sweet memories back into haseuls mind, ones that hurt to think about.  
ones where all the other girls are asleep, and haseuls awake at god knows what time with yeojins head on her chest and yeojin blood on her sheets.  
context, of course, is that yeojin had texted haseul in a panicked frenzy from the room next door saying how sorry she was and how much she needed her, and of course haseul runs as quickly as she can.  
unfortunately she just so happens to find yeojin herself standing in the middle of her bedroom, blood everywhere and great slashes covering her arms.  
it isn't a suicide attempt, haseul knew the much, but it breaks her heart like it was one.  
and now here they were;  
the scars on yeojins arms deep and unforgiving; her head on haseuls chest but no blood this time.  
just heavy breaths and occasional tears.  
you know, sometimes haseul wishes that they could go back to the time before yeoji-

“haseul, come on now, i thought you said this would be the last time you let this happen”

kahei’s voice breaks the silent screaming in haseuls mind.

“please, seul, let me take you home”

haseul let her arms relax, her muscles untense, and looked at kahei with eyes full of pain.  
no more words are spoken as kahei lifts her up gently, wrapping her coat round her shoulders and holding her hands.

“yeojin wouldn't want you to be in this state, would she?”

haseul was gonna say yes, she was gonna look back and ask yeojin to confirm it for her, but when haseul turned her head back to where the little girl had been hunched over in a puddle mere seconds ago, she was met with

  
_nothing_

 

“jinnie…”

she trails off.

“she's not there, seul”

kahei sounds deflated.  
although i do suppose you would be a little tired of your friend repeatedly claiming that ‘yeojin was there!’ ‘i _saw_ her!’ when all yeojin has been the past seven months is a body six feet under.


	3. Chapter 3

  
haseul still remembers that night.  
in all her cold, unforgiving inability to forget things haseul still remembers it.

haseul remembers the way she'd left work early so that she could surprised yeojin with her favourite meal when she came home from after school club.  
god she remembered it.

 

she’d practically ran out the door when jiwoo offered to take her shift, mind racing with all the extra cuddles she could get in before yeojins bedtime.

“i owe you one!”

haseul yelled, tearing off her uniform as she ran.

“cover mine next time sooyoung comes home early, alright?”

whilst still dashing to her car outside the modest little store, haseul made a noise that probably meant yes.  
jiwoo just giggled, shaking her head at her friends silliness as she repacked the shelves.  
the car ride was a little lonely without kahei snoring in the passenger seat or yeojin protesting the choice of music by kicking haseuls seat, but that was okay.  
a little loneliness now would be made up for later.  
haseul pulled over into the mcdonalds drive thru.

“hi, could i get one chicken nugget happy meal but with the hot wheels instead of the barbie?”

as yeojin always said, ‘over my dead body would i want a barbie doll in my happy meal’.  
although yeojin usually ended up playing in the bathtub and getting her little toy cars and planes and monsters stuck down the drain.  
hours of fun led to hours more of self maintained plumbing since they couldn't afford a professional based just on kahei and haseuls salaries.  
still, it was worth it to see a kid like yeojins face light up like that.  
she really was a special girl, born different in the mind to everyone else meant yeojin grew mentally about two and a half years for every four, but she still felt emotions fit for her physical age of sixteen years old.  
albeit the size of a ten year old.

“thank you!”

she sang a little, so excited to get home and see the look on her little girls face.  
the smell of the food warmed haseuls heart and she turned the corner to their block of flats.  
haseul pulled into her parking space which was usually decorated in little chalk drawings of frogs yeojin liked to leave for when haseul got back.  
you know, as a little surprise.  
but today all there was was a tiny red heart and an x.  
 _cute_  
haseul thought,  
 _mixing it up_  
she hopped up the steps, fumbling in the cold to get her keys.

  
“girls? i’m home!”

popping her head out from the end of the corridor, kahei smiled.

“haseul! what’re you doing back so early?”

the latter just shrugged.and went to give kahei a kiss on the cheek.

“wanted to surprise my best girls with some extra cuddles and a happy meal for the little one”

the bag was burning marks into haseuls fingers, but she didn’t care, all that mattered was the smile on yeojins face when she opened it.

“oh,”

kahei made a surprised noise and looked over at the piano sitting in the hallway anxiously.

“what? were you going to cook?”

“no! no, no certainly not, i just think yeojin might’ve gotten some for herself earlier”

she nodded to the piano where a receipt and opened box sat.  
that’s when haseuls confusion really set in.  
the heart instead of the frogs was weird enough, but excusable, but this.

“are you sure? that doesn’t seem right, yeojin wouldn’t go out alone all the way to mcdonald’s, she’d be too scared,- hey wait kahei did you _let_ her out the house alone?!”

the older jumped and let out a defeated sigh.  
 _here we go_

“yes, i did, because she’s a fully able child in spite of everything, and you can’t keep her wrapped up in cotton wool her whole life, someday she’s gonna want to be independent and maybe today was that day”

haseul sighed, since kahei posed an annoyingly good argument, and just shook her head.

“fine, did she get home okay at least?”  
“i heard her come in and gave her a kiss on the head, but she was shaking a lot, so i sent her to have a warm bath to ease her coldness”

haseul gave a nod in approval, picking the receipt up from the closed piano and inspecting it carefully.

“did she get her hotwheels?”

“dunno, she left the box there and i didn’t hear the sounds of her playing in the bathtub”

even upon picking up the container it felt wrong.  
haseul knew the weight of a hot wheels car, and whatever imposter was sitting inside was at least half of that.  
worried all of a sudden, she tore the cardboard open, and haseul knew something was horribly wrong when a light pink figurine with flowing yellow plastic hair landed by her foot.  
 _‘over my dead body would i want a barbie doll in my happy meal’_

“YEOJIN”

haseul wasted no time slamming her fists against the bathroom door, alerting kahei into running over so fast she tripped over her own foot.  
the bathroom stayed silent.

“YEOJINNIE SWEETHEART ARE YOU OKAY?!”

it was no use.  
there was one more option before haseul passed out from worry completely.  
the pair of them reeled backwards at the same time, counted down from three with bated breaths, then said _here goes nothing_  
kahei and haseul knocked the bathroom door down.  
and boy did they wish they hadn’t.

 

haseul still remembers that night.  
in all her cold, unforgiving inability to forget things haseul still remembers it.

haseul remembers the way she’d broke the door down with kahei to find yeojin in the bathtub, fully clothed, floating in a mess of red water, and lifeless.  
god she remembers it.


	4. Chapter 4

“did i lose myself,”

haseul ran her fingers through the water, feeling the warm liquid smooth against her skin. the photograph of yeojin and kahei at haseuls twentieth birthday sat on her bathroom windowsill, just waiting for her to make her decision.

flashbacks of nights spent outside under the stars polluted haseuls mind, pulling her slowly to her trembling knees.  
what had she done to deserve yeojin?  
what had she done to deserve the girl who put more trust in haseul than anyone ever had?

the answer was nothing.

whilst yeojin was battling the monsters in her head, haseul was busy working.  
whilst yeojin was being threatened and mocked and bullied for the way she spoke or acted or the way her brain worked haseul had just waved her off and said 'go talk to kahei, sweetheart'.  
whilst yeojin was walking this devastating path of depression and self loathing, haseul had watched her do it alone.

haseul didn’t deserve her.

that was the simple answer.

and as she slid one leg into the water, tensing up at the sensation, she mentally apologised to kahei.

yet at the same time, she was excited to be reunited with her baby, to see her again for real this time and tell her how sorry she was for everything.  
haseul was sick of waiting, though, submerging her entire body into the full tub.  
mini waterfalls formed as she exceeded the volume and capacity, but she kept going, further and further til nothing except her eyes, nose, and mouth were above water.

the edge of the polaroid swum into her vision.  
she had no reason yet every reason to do this.

and the last thing she saw was the cold white of their bathroom ceiling.  
the last thing she heard was his own ragged breath against the air of the room.  
the last thing she felt was the warm nothingness of room temperature bathwater.

and, thinking about how much joy and happiness yeojin had brought her from the day they first met up until now, the last thing she said was

“or did i gain you?”

  
before slipping under the water,

_and never coming back out_


End file.
